Facing the Truth

Hello. My name is Michael, and I am an alco . . . oh, wait . . . wrong blog.  LOL!  In all seriousness, I am an . . . what word do I use.  Someone who drinks too much is an alcoholic.  Someone with a drug addition is an addict.  Someone with a sex addiction is a nympho.  I am someone with a food addition . . . what is that called . . . an overeater, a food addict, a glutton?  You know what is funny; I actually looked up synonyms for the word glutton on Microsoft Word and here are the “synonyms” that came up:  epicure, gourmand, gastronome, gourmet, food lover, foodie, and connoisseur.  Those words all seem too soft to explain what I am.  To me an epicure, gourmet, and connoisseur are words to describe individuals who only love the best foods and take the time to enjoy them . . . I am not so discriminating and I generally don’t take the time to enjoy what I eat.  I eat all kinds of food . . . fine foods, carnival foods, ethnic foods, processed foods, organic foods.  Really there are not many foods that I will not eat.  I’m willing to give just about anything a try to see if I like it.  When I looked up the word glutton at http://www.thesaurus.com/, the most adequate synonyms to me were gorger, hefty eater, and stuffer . . . but what I am goes even deeper than that.  Let me explain.

Almost 7 years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery.  At my heaviest, I was off the scale.  Now, at the time I was pregnant with my oldest child, but, let me assure you, being pregnant does not eliminate that sinking feeling when you realize you weigh more than the highest weight on any “normal” doctor’s scale.  Do most people even know what that highest weight is?  Anyone who has come anywhere close to actually hitting it knows what it is, I assure you!  It is 350 lbs.  Yes, people, when I was pregnant with my now 9-year-old, I weighed over 350 lbs.  The memories of being morbidly obese are brutal.  I was only 22-years-old when I had my son.  By the time, I started my first job after college, 18 months or so after my son was born, I was probably down to around 330 lbs.  My worst “fat” memory is the terror I felt the first time I was required to fly for my job, the terror of the possibility of being told I would have to buy 2 tickets in front of my co-workers.  That terror forced me to face my fear head on, so I approached the partner in charge at the time to discuss my fears.  She immediately took me to the airport to purchase our airplane tickets, just me & her.  She ensured with Delta that I would not need 2 tickets and that I had the seat next to her on the plane.  The only humiliation I had to suffer, other than discussing my fears with her, was asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extension when I got to my seat on the plane.  It is funny, I’m sure that she has long forgotten this story, but her kindness to me in that situation will be something that sticks with me forever.  I hope she is richly blessed for the kindness she showed me that day. 

The point of all this information on my weight and this story is not to stir up pity, but to try and emphasize that my struggle with food and nutrition is not just that I love food and love to eat . . . food is an obsession for me.  Nobody WANTS to be fat or obese and suffer that humiliation, but as with any addition, most overeaters, gluttons, food addicts are in denial.  Despite their weight, most have yet to face the actual root of their addition.  I did not understand all the intricacies of my obsession before my gastric bypass and am still on the road to understanding it all, but the surgery did begin to bring to light things with which I needed to deal because I could no longer bury them my shoveling food in on top of them.  I currently am still overweight.  As of today, I weigh 242 lbs . . . did I really just write that down and post it on the internet?  Ugh!  My relationship with food is the definition of a love/hate relationship.  If you want to know where food is, ask me.  I can tell you at any given time where there is left over cake, cookies, snacks at work from a recently held party.  I know where every bowl of candy is on any co-workers desk. It is nearly impossible for me to resist food.  If it is there, I want to eat it.  I used to feel guilty about throwing away food, so I would “save” any candy or sweets I received for my children . . . but it generally got eaten before it ever made it home.  I have finally gotten over my guilt.  If I receive candy or sweets, I either trash them, or give them to someone who has control over their eating habits IMMEDIATELY!!!  I do NOT let it hang around.  My greatest strength with nutrition today, is that I now recognize my weakness, my addiction.  I do not try to act as if my willpower will keep me from overeating.  I know I have NO willpower when it comes to food, so I avoid being tempted as much as possible.  This blog is a way for me to share my stuggles with food, celebrating my victories and getting back up after my defeats.  My goal is to post once a week and to lose 92 lbs in the next 2 years . . . if I post more often, great, if only once a week, great!  I am publicly facing the truth; I am no longer in denial.  I recognize what I am, and I choose to address it rather than hide it.  Hello.  My name is Michael, and I am an overeater and a food addict.