Making Plans to Change

So I said my goal was to post once a week . . . well, I’m running a little bit late this week.  What can I say . . . I’m a busy, working wife & mommy!  So here it is . . . and better late than never, I guess.  It has been a pretty good week; although, I will admit that things get hard when the husband starts baking his beautiful and delicious cakes!!!  Overall, I had more good days than bad ones . . . that is a start!  J Last week, I posted that my goal was to lose 92 lbs in 2 years. . . . in truth, I had already lost 5 lbs between Christmas and my first post, so the actual goal was to lose 97 lbs in 2 years.  My goal for 2011 is to lose 52 lbs.  That is just 1 lb a week.  One thing I know is that I have to set a reasonable and achievable goal for myself, otherwise, when I feel like I am starting to “fail”, I will quit!  I also purchased a skydiving session for myself that has to be used by January 2012.  In order to meet the weight requirement for women (yes, there is a different weight requirement for men, which I REALLY don’t understand), I have to lose down to under 220 lbs.  That is my first goal for 2011, to get under 220 lbs so I can go skydiving!!!   SO EXCITED, but where do I start?  I guess a good place to start is to tell you HOW I intend to accomplish my goals, from both an exercise & nutrition standpoint. 

Over the last couple of years, exercise has become something I love.  Don’t get me wrong, I still dread it when I am getting ready and don’t necessarily love DOING it, but I love the way I feel when I am done!  That sense of accomplishment.  I feel like my senses are more acute after I work out.  Things smell better, like I can breathe more easily and clearly.  I like getting really good & sweaty and I love that residual sore the following day or two . . . it means I did something . . . I pushed myself!!!  I am blessed to work for a company that provides trainers that work with us.  Trust me, I need it . . . it is one of the benefits of my job that means the most to me!  I tend to be a people pleaser . . . if I know someone is expecting me to be in the gym each day, I want nothing more than to meet that expectation.  Louis, my trainer, doesn’t just tell us what and how to do things; he pushes us to our limit, not over it, mind you, but to it.  I greatly appreciate that fact.  I think before I started working with a trainer, I would work out in my “comfort” zone . . . I think that is what a lot of overweight and obese people do.  They don’t want to be uncomfortable.  They don’t understand that even thin people are uncomfortable when they work out.  I know I didn’t!  I have learned that working out requires me to be uncomfortable . . . that discomfort is what will get me to the next level.  My current goal is to work out for a minimum of 30 minutes/day for 4 days/week.  2 days a week are for circuit/strength training with Louis and 2 – 3 days a week are for cardio.

On the nutrition side of things, I am also blessed to be able to work with a nutritionist in the Wellness Center at work, Ginny.  In all honesty, nutrition is the greater struggle for me.  I am a perfectionist, and I have failed so often in the past from a nutrition standpoint because when I lack the willpower to be perfect, I give up all together.  Ginny has really helped me to understand that my battle with nutrition is not about perfection.  If I want to be able to do this for the long haul, it can’t be about perfection.  I do not want this to be about a quick fix diet where I lose a lot of weight quickly only to gain it back as soon as I come off of the rigid eating plan that I follow for a short period of time.  I want this to be a life change.  I want to learn how to eat healthily and realize that this is not for the short term.  I want to be able to enjoy the foods I love, but in moderation, and have the ability to say no to them at times.  I know this is so cliché, but want to learn to “eat to live” and not “live to eat”.  The day after Christmas, my sister, Hannah, and I began texting each other everything we eat and the calorie content.  I have tried calorie counting before, but it usually last 2 – 3 weeks and then I quit.  This time feels different.  To tell someone who I know loves me what I am eating has been very freeing.  I don’t know that there is anyone else with whom this would have worked . . . it had to be her.  She loves me and has grace on the days I screw up, but also can tell me when I’m starting to get off track and need to buckle down again.  I would say she tells me in love, but I’m not quite sure saying, “Do I need to come give you a swift kick in the butt!” qualifies as telling me “in love”!  LOL!  The point is that we are able to encourage one another, but also be frank with one another, when necessary.  She is the perfect accountability partner for me! 

The final thing that I am doing is this blog.  I need a place to put down everything that I am thinking and feeling.  I need to see on paper my strengths and weaknesses in regards to food.  I need to be TOTALLY honest with myself.  I have to write down that when I eat a candy bar, even if I planned for it and had the calories for it, to me, eating that candy bar, feels like a “fail.”  I have to write it down so that I can see that sometimes what I perceive and feel is not accurate.  I need to see that it is OKAY for me to have that candy bar on occasion.  Because of my lifelong battle with food, my perception of food is that food is my enemy.  Food is NOT the enemy.  Food is necessary.  Food is also beneficial . . . when we know and learn how to utilize it correctly, but my life can no longer REVOLVE around food.  There are too many OTHER things that are more important in my life for my life to be consumed with food.  I want to focus on those other things and, in order to do that, I have to re-learn a healthy relationship with food; that is the key to my success.

Facing the Truth

Hello. My name is Michael, and I am an alco . . . oh, wait . . . wrong blog.  LOL!  In all seriousness, I am an . . . what word do I use.  Someone who drinks too much is an alcoholic.  Someone with a drug addition is an addict.  Someone with a sex addiction is a nympho.  I am someone with a food addition . . . what is that called . . . an overeater, a food addict, a glutton?  You know what is funny; I actually looked up synonyms for the word glutton on Microsoft Word and here are the “synonyms” that came up:  epicure, gourmand, gastronome, gourmet, food lover, foodie, and connoisseur.  Those words all seem too soft to explain what I am.  To me an epicure, gourmet, and connoisseur are words to describe individuals who only love the best foods and take the time to enjoy them . . . I am not so discriminating and I generally don’t take the time to enjoy what I eat.  I eat all kinds of food . . . fine foods, carnival foods, ethnic foods, processed foods, organic foods.  Really there are not many foods that I will not eat.  I’m willing to give just about anything a try to see if I like it.  When I looked up the word glutton at http://www.thesaurus.com/, the most adequate synonyms to me were gorger, hefty eater, and stuffer . . . but what I am goes even deeper than that.  Let me explain.

Almost 7 years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery.  At my heaviest, I was off the scale.  Now, at the time I was pregnant with my oldest child, but, let me assure you, being pregnant does not eliminate that sinking feeling when you realize you weigh more than the highest weight on any “normal” doctor’s scale.  Do most people even know what that highest weight is?  Anyone who has come anywhere close to actually hitting it knows what it is, I assure you!  It is 350 lbs.  Yes, people, when I was pregnant with my now 9-year-old, I weighed over 350 lbs.  The memories of being morbidly obese are brutal.  I was only 22-years-old when I had my son.  By the time, I started my first job after college, 18 months or so after my son was born, I was probably down to around 330 lbs.  My worst “fat” memory is the terror I felt the first time I was required to fly for my job, the terror of the possibility of being told I would have to buy 2 tickets in front of my co-workers.  That terror forced me to face my fear head on, so I approached the partner in charge at the time to discuss my fears.  She immediately took me to the airport to purchase our airplane tickets, just me & her.  She ensured with Delta that I would not need 2 tickets and that I had the seat next to her on the plane.  The only humiliation I had to suffer, other than discussing my fears with her, was asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extension when I got to my seat on the plane.  It is funny, I’m sure that she has long forgotten this story, but her kindness to me in that situation will be something that sticks with me forever.  I hope she is richly blessed for the kindness she showed me that day. 

The point of all this information on my weight and this story is not to stir up pity, but to try and emphasize that my struggle with food and nutrition is not just that I love food and love to eat . . . food is an obsession for me.  Nobody WANTS to be fat or obese and suffer that humiliation, but as with any addition, most overeaters, gluttons, food addicts are in denial.  Despite their weight, most have yet to face the actual root of their addition.  I did not understand all the intricacies of my obsession before my gastric bypass and am still on the road to understanding it all, but the surgery did begin to bring to light things with which I needed to deal because I could no longer bury them my shoveling food in on top of them.  I currently am still overweight.  As of today, I weigh 242 lbs . . . did I really just write that down and post it on the internet?  Ugh!  My relationship with food is the definition of a love/hate relationship.  If you want to know where food is, ask me.  I can tell you at any given time where there is left over cake, cookies, snacks at work from a recently held party.  I know where every bowl of candy is on any co-workers desk. It is nearly impossible for me to resist food.  If it is there, I want to eat it.  I used to feel guilty about throwing away food, so I would “save” any candy or sweets I received for my children . . . but it generally got eaten before it ever made it home.  I have finally gotten over my guilt.  If I receive candy or sweets, I either trash them, or give them to someone who has control over their eating habits IMMEDIATELY!!!  I do NOT let it hang around.  My greatest strength with nutrition today, is that I now recognize my weakness, my addiction.  I do not try to act as if my willpower will keep me from overeating.  I know I have NO willpower when it comes to food, so I avoid being tempted as much as possible.  This blog is a way for me to share my stuggles with food, celebrating my victories and getting back up after my defeats.  My goal is to post once a week and to lose 92 lbs in the next 2 years . . . if I post more often, great, if only once a week, great!  I am publicly facing the truth; I am no longer in denial.  I recognize what I am, and I choose to address it rather than hide it.  Hello.  My name is Michael, and I am an overeater and a food addict.