Breakthrough

Have you ever had the Lord begin to reveal something to you slowly & patiently, but then, as you begin to recognize & take hold of what He is showing you, the revelations begin to flow so fast if feels like your spirit is overflowing & your mind just can’t keep up?  In my last blog I discussed how the Lord was dealing with me regarding my food issues . . . layer-by-layer, piece-by piece.  In this blog I want to share some of what the Lord has been showing me.  I’m going to be honest . . . brutally honest, but, if your heart & spirit are ready & prepared, truth brings, not condemnation or criticism, but FREEDOM & JOY!!!  So here we go . . .

Over the last 2 years, I began to see plainly that my weight issues were not so much the result of a lack of exercise, as the lack of my ability to manage my nutrition.  I could work out 60 minutes a day, 5 days a week & still not lose weight because I couldn’t manage to work up enough willpower & self-control to keep myself from eating . . . well, from eating whatever I wanted! While Shiloh, my 23-week preemie was in the hospital, I told Louis, my trainer, that I was not looking to lose weight; I just needed to be able to maintain my current weight until she came home. Shiloh came home, & I focused in on exercise again, working hard, but still not getting the results I wanted.  In the mean time, on a spiritual level, I was struggling.  I felt apathetic & indifferent towards the Lord.  How does that happen?  During the midst of Shiloh’s journey through the NICU, I had been so dependent on Him . . . of course, we generally are dependent on Him in the midst of trials, IF we choose not to be bitter towards Him.  Once Shiloh was home, I began to feel disconnected & detached from the Lord.  My parents have always emphasized to me & my sister & brother that our relationship with the Lord is not based on an emotion or our feelings, but rather on a decision.  I never swayed in the decision I made to believe in & serve Jesus Christ, but I was frustrated & often cried out to the Lord asking Him why He wouldn’t speak to me, why He was being silent.  I made numerous trips to the alter in hopes that He would speak to me through someone else, such as my pastor.  To be honest, at times, what I felt was the Lord’s silence towards me felt laughable.  The only thing I did hear Him speak to me was that He wanted to deal with me directly, not through a mediator, but I still felt nothing . . . except growingly irritable & aggravated with the Lord!!!

In December, Hannah & I made the decision that we would begin texting each other everything we ate the day after Christmas.  I made the additional decision that, in January, I would begin meeting with my nutritionist again.  I knew there would be times I did well & times I failed miserably, but I was resolved that I would not allow what I labeled as my “fails” to keep me from getting back up & digging deeper to really figure this all out.  As I discussed my “fails” with Ginny, the Lord began to work.  As I was sitting at my desk one day at work, I realized that my feelings toward food mirrored my feelings toward sin, specifically the sexual sin I struggled with so in college.  As a teenager, I made a decision that I was not going to have sex before I was married, but when the temptation arose, my willpower & self-control were never strong enough.  I would succumb to the lust & desire, but immediately after would come the waves of guilt & condemnation.  I hated myself.  I would swear to myself that I was not going to give in again, but, when the next temptation would arise, I would cave again to my desire; then would come the overwhelming guilt.  It was a vicious cycle that, strangely enough, I did not manage to break until I ended up pregnant with my son, Isaac.  What was the link?  Why did I have this image of food?  Sex & food are both necessary for LIFE to occur & be sustained . . . within certain boundaries.  My initial reaction was that I needed to stop thinking of food as the enemy, as something evil, but how?  How was I to go about changing my perception of food?  First the Lord had to take me deeper.

At a gathering with some fellow church-members, the Lord began the process of digging deeper, of peeling away the next layer.  Hannah & I ended up in a conversation with a young lady from our church about sneaking food & hiding our eating.  I have a friend whom I am with all the time who would tell you that, from her perception, I eat in moderation, but perceptions can be deceiving.  I hide my worst eating habits.  I eat in secret.  As a child, I remember sneaking around in the kitchen, hiding food in my pockets so that I could take it some place private, such as the bathroom or my bedroom, so that I could eat it.  Other things I would just shovel in as I stood in the refrigerator or pantry just praying no one would catch me.  It’s funny, there are many foods that I snuck in my childhood, but the food that stands out the most is pimento cheese.  I LOVED pimento cheese, & the containers always seemed so small.  See when you sneak food, one of the goals is to always try to leave enough so that no one can tell you snuck it.  I wasn’t always very good at that part . . . but that stupid small container in which the pimento cheese comes made it EXTREMELY difficult.  Like I said, don’t get me wrong, I was not very discriminating.  Crackers, chips, cheese, fruit, ice cream . . . you name it, I ate it . . . & snuck it, but the pimento cheese stands out to me for some reason.  You might think as an adult that one would outgrow the need to sneak food, but I didn’t.  I sneak candy . . . I sneak seconds . . . I sneak “tastes”.  I don’t want others to know what all I am actually eating . . . it just feel mortifying.  It is amazing how the Lord will start to show you something & then it just blows up . . . & suddenly you have a breakthrough!!!  Let me explain.

Right before that gathering, I had started emailing Ginny, my nutritionist, my food journal each day.  I did HORRIBLE on Super Bowl Sunday, eating twice as many calories as what I have allowed myself.  As I sat in front of my online food journal, I was tempted to just skip entering it all & tell Ginny & Hannah that I blew it & had a bad day, but the conversation I had with Hannah & the girl from church kept coming back to my mind.  I realized that I could not HIDE what I had eaten.  I had to write it ALL down.  I had to actually SEE ON PAPER what I had eaten.  Not only did I have to see it, I had to send it to the people that were holding me accountable.  No more sneaking & hiding.  If I want to beat this monster, I had to take it head on, humiliating moments & all.  I sent every last bite I had eaten.  As I sent my journal & contemplated all of this, I knew there was something to this . . . it was not a coincidence.  Why do I have such an urge to hide when & what I eat?  Why all the sneaking?  I decided to look up the term “in secret” in my Bible’s concordance.  The first thing that popped out at me was Proverbs 9:13 -18:

Folly is an unruly woman; she is simple & knows nothing.  She sits at the door of her house, on a seat at the highest point of the city, calling out to those who pass by, who go straight on their way,  “Let all who are simple come to my house!” 
To those who have no sense she says,  “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!”  But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.

It was like a lightening bolt went off in my spirit.  My relationship with food was SIN!!!  Now please understand, the food itself was never the issue; my RELATIONSHIP with food was the issuesI didn’t quite understand it all at that moment, but I knew that my relationship with food hindered my relationship with the Lord.  To me, that is the definition of sin . . . something coming between me & my Savior . . . something hindering my relationship & fellowship with Him!  I called my mom immediately.  I had to CONFESS it as sin to someone!  Confession takes away the power of whatever is holding you captive.  I had to recognize my relationship with food publicly for what it was. . . SIN!

Over the next couple of weeks, the Lord began to show me that my relationship with food was a part of my heart that I had never surrendered to Him.  I never even realized that it was something I was withholding from Him!  That was the most freeing realization.  You know, often when we say we have to surrender our hearts, our lives, everything to Jesus, we think in terms of things that we don’t want to give up . . . our money, our plans, our desires.  He wants even our trash, our rags, our filth . . . He wants it ALL!!! Once I realized that I was keeping this from Him, I couldn’t surrender it fast enough.  I sat there crying, “Jesus, please, take it!  I don’t want it!  I only want You!  I don’t want something so trivial to keep me from experiencing the fullness of who You are!”  BREAKTHROUGH . . . like fireworks going off in my spirit!!!  Since that realization & surrender, my relationship with the Lord has been unlike anything I have ever experienced.  31 years of my life, people . . . 31 years this stupid addiction, this stupid lust of food has held me in bondage & kept me from experiencing my Savior in such fullness & richness!  When such a realization comes from such a loving God, there is no condemnation, no guilt, just utter joy & freedom!!! 

Since this breakthrough, I have been talking with several dear friends, one of whom is my exercise accountability partner, Melonie.  She heard about a book by Lysa TerKeurst titled Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food, & we decided to begin reading & discussing it together.  Just the title gives me chills . . . then I read the introduction!  WOW!!!  Lysa discusses the story in Matthew 19:16 – 22 of the young, wealthy man who approaches Jesus to ask what good thing he must do to gain eternal life.  Jesus tells the young man to sell his possessions, give them to the poor, & follow Him.  The young, wealthy man walked away sad because he had great wealth.  How many times I have failed to understand the depth of these scriptures.  It is easy for us to look & apply them simply to wealth.  It is easy to give up wealth, uh, when you have none.  LOL!  However, the point Jesus was making is that we must be willing to give up EVERYTHING to follow Him.  So let me ask this question . . . & it is a painful one.  What is that thing that you want so badly that when you think about walking away from it your chest aches from longing?  I know it sounds crazy to say that it was food for me, but it is the truth.  There have been times & still are times that I could physically cry I want that Krispy Kreme so bad!!!  Am I willing to put down the Krispy Kreme to follow Him?  It sounds so stupid to put it that way, but that is the truth.  Does that mean I can never have a Krispy Kreme?  No.  I can have the Krispy Kreme, but I have to be able to NOT have the Krispy Kreme, as well!!!  It cannot be so powerful over my life that I cannot say no to it . . . that I can’t surrender it.  What is that thing for you?  It could be wealth.  It may or may not be food.  It could be a boyfriend or a friendship.  What is the one thing that feels unbearable to give up if Jesus asked for you to walk away from it & follow Him?  THAT is the very thing He wants.  THAT is the thing that will keep you from walking in a full & complete relationship with Him, if you aren’t willing to let it go. 

My other “WOW” moment in reading Lysa’s introduction was when she discusses the story of Eve from Genesis 3.  The downfall of mankind, the “original” sin, began with a woman tempted by food.  Food was the first thing that woman allowed to enter & hinder her relationship with the Lord.  She could have had any other food in the Garden of Eden, but Eve allowed the “forbidden fruit” to separate her from her God.  How many times have we all thought that we NEVER would have been so stupid as Eve to have been tempted by a piece of fruit . . . by food?  I’m here to tell you, I would have fallen just like Eve.  I am guilty of exactly the same sin.  I allowed food to hinder my relationship with God.  How many women are in exactly this same predicament?  How many women allow a relationship with food, be it overeating, be it anorexia, be it bulimia . . . how many of us allow it to separate us from our Creator?   I’m sure there are men as well, but I believe this a revelation especially for women.  Satan used food in his ploy to tempt woman away from her God & Creator . . . & I believe He is still doing it today.  Our greatest weapon in this battle is the realization & truth of Satan’s schemes.  I, for one, will no longer hide what food has been to me.  It has been my comfort, when I should have turned to my Comforter.  It has been my joy, when Christ should have been my joy.  I have given it too much power in my life.  I have allowed it to rob me of width & depth in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  NO MORE!  I have surrendered my lust for food to my Savior.  I assure you that I am not strong enough to change on my own, but, when I recognize my weakness, in my weakness, He is made strong.  With the help of Christ, I WILL overcome this life-long battle, even in only an inch at a time.  J

Making a Change . . . on the INSIDE

Have you ever felt like there is just so much going on in your soul & spirit that you weren’t quite sure how to put it all on “paper”?  That is where I am . . . I’m sitting here, not quite sure where to start.  It is always amazing to me, when I feel the Lord working, HOW He works.  The Lord is layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece revealing things to me, things He has known all along.  He is so patient . . . He doesn’t begin to work until He knows we are ready, and, even once He has begun working, He works differently in each situation.  At times, He will pierce straight to the heart of a matter, but, at other times, such as this, He takes His time because He knows the sensitivity of the matter to our hearts.  Anyone who has been a Christian for any period of time has heard the comment, “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.”  I have always applied that comment to negative circumstances . . . you know, in the sense that the Lord will never give you a bigger negative circumstance than you can handle.  All the sudden, I have a new perception of that comment.  When the Lord is revealing things to us, he knows just how much truth, just how much prodding, just how much revelation our hearts can handle in each moment, each day.  I think what is most puzzling to me is that I don’t know what changed in me so that suddenly I am able to deal with the things the Lord is revealing, where I wasn’t ready in the past.  Was I just not willing to look at myself honestly?  Was I too proud to admit my weaknesses, my faults?  Up until now, I have always tried to cure the SYMPTOM of my “sickness” . . . the weight . . . but I have never been able to look candidly at the root of the problem, to confront the ACTUAL “sickness”.  How do you live your whole life not REALLY knowing yourself?  We don’t even know ourselves until the Lord reveals to us who we are!!!

This journey of revelation with the Lord the last 2 weeks has been filled with emotion.  It started with a phone call from my sister.  When I answered the call, the first thing she said was, “I’m about to lose it!  I can’t do this anymore!”  Panic was the first thing that struck me.  I didn’t know WHAT she couldn’t do anymore.  I told her I needed more details.  What COULDN’T she do anymore?  She started crying and told me she was talking about this “diet.”  She had managed to keep it all together at work and, when she got home, had eaten a sensible dinner, but then her husband came home with fast food for the rest of the family.  She said, “Michael, I am not even hungry.  In fact, I am full, but I still want to eat everything I see!”  I don’t know about you, but I COMPLETELY identify with that feeling.  Do people without eating issues understand that feeling of wanting to eat something SO BAD you could, and occasionally do cry?  I remember one night after I’d had my gastric bypass, Angelo brought home fried chicken for the family for dinner.  Because of the bypass, I physically couldn’t eat more than the tiniest bites of food chewed to oblivion, but the desire was to shove my mouth full of chicken.  You know what I did?  I stood over the garbage can with a fried chicken leg, put every last bit of the meat from that chicken leg into my mouth, chewed it up, and then spit it all out into the garbage can, and I cried the entire time.  Why did I feel this way?  Although the physical ability to eat a large volume of food was gone, I have never dealt with the emotional & mental “sickness”.  That is what the Lord is now showing me . . . the emotional, mental & even spiritual things that need healing for me to progress.  However, taking an honest look at who I am and at this thing with which I have struggled the most in my life has stirred up a whole lot of things inside of me.  I don’t know that I have ever realized the width and depth of all of this inside of me.  This time the struggle feels different.  I feel the change inside this time.  Not much of a change has actually made it to my body yet, but I feel the change emotionally, mentally & especially spiritually.  Eventually, the physical change will have to follow suit, but, for the moment, the physical change feels the least important; I have to heal mentally, emotionally & spiritually first. 

Now, I say the physical change feels the least important, and I mean that, but don’t get me wrong.  As I work on what is going on inside, I do expect and want to see the effect on the outside, but I want the expectation to be reasonable.  I’m not looking to lose 5 pound a week, or even 3 pounds a week, just 1 . . .  just 1 little pound a week.  Between 12/26/10, when I started this journey, and 1/25/11 when I had my first fitness assessment, I had lost 6 pounds, but, when I weighed in last Friday, 2/4/11, I had gained a pound.  I went to grab some breakfast and headed back to my desk, but I could feel the emotion churning inside.  When I got back to my desk, I knew I had to let it out.  Holding it in was only going to make my day miserable . . . and cause me to try to cover it up and bury it with food.  I called my mom and LOST IT . . . uncontrollable sobbing.  1 pound!  From an exercise standpoint, I had kicked tail ALL week long!  From a nutrition standpoint, I had done well too!  I had honestly put ALL my effort into that week!  I could have dealt with only LOSING 1 pound. I could have even dealt with no change on the scale, but GAINING a pound . . . emotional meltdown!  After I hung up with my mom, I asked one of my fitness accountability partners if she had a second to come see me.  I needed to cry with (well, more like cry TO) someone who would understand, give me a hug while I got it all out, and then help me get right back up.  Once I let it all out, the frustration and the disappointment, I was able to get emotionally, mentally and spiritually back on track.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there will be weeks the scale may show a loss of greater than that 1 pound and weeks the scale does not show any loss at all or even shows a gain, but understanding that does not make it and easier when it happens; in fact, it may even cause an emotional breakdown!!! J  The important thing is to let myself be disappointed, to let myself be frustrated and upset about it, to express my frustration and disappointment to someone who understands, and then to get back up, dust myself off and go at it again.  This change I am making is not just a temporary thing.  With the help of the Lord, I am making a LIFE change, people . . . and even when I fail, even when I fail miserably, I REFUSE to NOT change!