Making a Change . . . on the INSIDE

Have you ever felt like there is just so much going on in your soul & spirit that you weren’t quite sure how to put it all on “paper”?  That is where I am . . . I’m sitting here, not quite sure where to start.  It is always amazing to me, when I feel the Lord working, HOW He works.  The Lord is layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece revealing things to me, things He has known all along.  He is so patient . . . He doesn’t begin to work until He knows we are ready, and, even once He has begun working, He works differently in each situation.  At times, He will pierce straight to the heart of a matter, but, at other times, such as this, He takes His time because He knows the sensitivity of the matter to our hearts.  Anyone who has been a Christian for any period of time has heard the comment, “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.”  I have always applied that comment to negative circumstances . . . you know, in the sense that the Lord will never give you a bigger negative circumstance than you can handle.  All the sudden, I have a new perception of that comment.  When the Lord is revealing things to us, he knows just how much truth, just how much prodding, just how much revelation our hearts can handle in each moment, each day.  I think what is most puzzling to me is that I don’t know what changed in me so that suddenly I am able to deal with the things the Lord is revealing, where I wasn’t ready in the past.  Was I just not willing to look at myself honestly?  Was I too proud to admit my weaknesses, my faults?  Up until now, I have always tried to cure the SYMPTOM of my “sickness” . . . the weight . . . but I have never been able to look candidly at the root of the problem, to confront the ACTUAL “sickness”.  How do you live your whole life not REALLY knowing yourself?  We don’t even know ourselves until the Lord reveals to us who we are!!!

This journey of revelation with the Lord the last 2 weeks has been filled with emotion.  It started with a phone call from my sister.  When I answered the call, the first thing she said was, “I’m about to lose it!  I can’t do this anymore!”  Panic was the first thing that struck me.  I didn’t know WHAT she couldn’t do anymore.  I told her I needed more details.  What COULDN’T she do anymore?  She started crying and told me she was talking about this “diet.”  She had managed to keep it all together at work and, when she got home, had eaten a sensible dinner, but then her husband came home with fast food for the rest of the family.  She said, “Michael, I am not even hungry.  In fact, I am full, but I still want to eat everything I see!”  I don’t know about you, but I COMPLETELY identify with that feeling.  Do people without eating issues understand that feeling of wanting to eat something SO BAD you could, and occasionally do cry?  I remember one night after I’d had my gastric bypass, Angelo brought home fried chicken for the family for dinner.  Because of the bypass, I physically couldn’t eat more than the tiniest bites of food chewed to oblivion, but the desire was to shove my mouth full of chicken.  You know what I did?  I stood over the garbage can with a fried chicken leg, put every last bit of the meat from that chicken leg into my mouth, chewed it up, and then spit it all out into the garbage can, and I cried the entire time.  Why did I feel this way?  Although the physical ability to eat a large volume of food was gone, I have never dealt with the emotional & mental “sickness”.  That is what the Lord is now showing me . . . the emotional, mental & even spiritual things that need healing for me to progress.  However, taking an honest look at who I am and at this thing with which I have struggled the most in my life has stirred up a whole lot of things inside of me.  I don’t know that I have ever realized the width and depth of all of this inside of me.  This time the struggle feels different.  I feel the change inside this time.  Not much of a change has actually made it to my body yet, but I feel the change emotionally, mentally & especially spiritually.  Eventually, the physical change will have to follow suit, but, for the moment, the physical change feels the least important; I have to heal mentally, emotionally & spiritually first. 

Now, I say the physical change feels the least important, and I mean that, but don’t get me wrong.  As I work on what is going on inside, I do expect and want to see the effect on the outside, but I want the expectation to be reasonable.  I’m not looking to lose 5 pound a week, or even 3 pounds a week, just 1 . . .  just 1 little pound a week.  Between 12/26/10, when I started this journey, and 1/25/11 when I had my first fitness assessment, I had lost 6 pounds, but, when I weighed in last Friday, 2/4/11, I had gained a pound.  I went to grab some breakfast and headed back to my desk, but I could feel the emotion churning inside.  When I got back to my desk, I knew I had to let it out.  Holding it in was only going to make my day miserable . . . and cause me to try to cover it up and bury it with food.  I called my mom and LOST IT . . . uncontrollable sobbing.  1 pound!  From an exercise standpoint, I had kicked tail ALL week long!  From a nutrition standpoint, I had done well too!  I had honestly put ALL my effort into that week!  I could have dealt with only LOSING 1 pound. I could have even dealt with no change on the scale, but GAINING a pound . . . emotional meltdown!  After I hung up with my mom, I asked one of my fitness accountability partners if she had a second to come see me.  I needed to cry with (well, more like cry TO) someone who would understand, give me a hug while I got it all out, and then help me get right back up.  Once I let it all out, the frustration and the disappointment, I was able to get emotionally, mentally and spiritually back on track.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there will be weeks the scale may show a loss of greater than that 1 pound and weeks the scale does not show any loss at all or even shows a gain, but understanding that does not make it and easier when it happens; in fact, it may even cause an emotional breakdown!!! J  The important thing is to let myself be disappointed, to let myself be frustrated and upset about it, to express my frustration and disappointment to someone who understands, and then to get back up, dust myself off and go at it again.  This change I am making is not just a temporary thing.  With the help of the Lord, I am making a LIFE change, people . . . and even when I fail, even when I fail miserably, I REFUSE to NOT change!