As
much as I would love to deny it, having weighed well over 300 pounds definitely
has an impact on one’s self image. Even
after losing over 100 pounds, in my mind there still lived the mind of that
morbidly obese girl. Having talked to
many people about insecurity and self-image, I realize that even at over 300
pounds I was still secure in who I was. I knew I was loved and cherished. I knew I was a beautiful person, but I was very
insecure about my body image and my physical beauty.
Despite
what some people may think, I am an introvert.
I am a friendly introvert, but an introvert nonetheless. My mind is always going . . . I often find
myself consumed in my own thoughts. My
weight only amplified and intensified the introvert in me. I would sit back and wait for people to
approach me. It is funny how a person
who takes up the most space in a room just wants to be invisible. Maybe I should rephrase that. It is funny how a person who takes up the
most space in a room just wants to be seen for their person and not their body. If people didn’t approach me, I assumed that
it was because they were put off by my weight, while inside I was just dying
for people to take the time to look past my body and get to know ME
. . . to take the time to get to know the fun, friendly, loving, loyal, sincere
girl that I knew myself to be.
One’s
assumption would be that you lose 100 pounds and all that insecurity and
self–image just disappear, right?
Wrong! Still today, I struggle at
times because I feel like my weight is the first thing people see and they
aren’t taking time to get to know ME.
I’m still obese. I still weigh
over 200 pounds. There are still times
that I wait for others to approach me first because I feel like they might not
want to take the time to get to know the real me . . . the person, personality
and character of me buried underneath it all.
Even if I am ever “thin”, I don’t think this will change . . . even on
the flip side, if I became the most beautiful woman, when I walk into a room I
want people to take the time to see where my true beauty lies . . . in my
heart, in my spirit.
As a
teenager who weighed over 250 pounds, I did things most that one would not
normally expect an “obese” kid to do. I
played soccer and softball . . . and I wasn’t bad . . . I wasn’t the best, but
I wasn’t bad. I was a smart and strength
based player more than a speed or agility based player. Running was hard, but I managed. Then I graduated from high school, and sports
fell off my radar. I remember walking
with my mom in one of my many attempts to lose weight. I could hardly walk a 20-minute mile and
would get terrible cramps in my calves.
It was miserable. I mean I could
hardly walk, running was out of the question. No one, even when you know others can see how
fat you are, wants to be the one sucking wind when you are walking 3mph. I knew I would never run . . . I wasn’t a
runner. Just typing that kind of makes
me chuckle to myself. That was the
excuse that I made for myself . . . I wasn’t a runner. I was right . . . I mean tell me one 300
pound “runner” you have seen. I just
figured it came naturally to all those “skinny” people. I didn’t realize that they had to suck wind
to train their bodies to run just like I did.
Even
after losing weight, even after working out on average 2-4 days a week for the
last several years, in my mind I’m still the fat girl who everyone is watching
“suck wind”. Sure, I’m competitive, but
I’m not athletic. Sure, give me
bench-presses or leg-presses . . . anything weight related . . . and I can
throw down with the best of them. I
mean, after all, at some point those muscles had to lug around over 300 pounds
and are still lugging around over 200 pounds, but, if you ask me to run, I
still can’t get over this mindset that I am not a runner. However, today, something clicked. As I was jogging on the treadmill and working
out on the elliptical . . . all the sudden I heard her. I heard the athlete inside of me just
screaming at me to LET HER OUT!!! She has
been trapped inside all my life while I make excuses or dismiss her with my “I
can’ts” and my “I’m not a runner” mumbo jumbo.
She is in there, and she CAN and she IS a runner!!! She wants the opportunity to show me the
amazing things of which I am capable, the amazing things I can do that all my
life I thought were impossible. She
wants to show me that I can push through the pain, the fatigue, the “wind
sucking” because who I am is much stronger than I give her credit for
being. Today, I change my attitude and
how I view myself. No more “I can’ts”
and “I’m nots” and “It’s too hards”!
Today, I recognized that I AM AN ATHLETE . . . I CAN
. . . I WILL . . . and NOTHING IS TOO HARD!
