The Athlete

As much as I would love to deny it, having weighed well over 300 pounds definitely has an impact on one’s self image.  Even after losing over 100 pounds, in my mind there still lived the mind of that morbidly obese girl.  Having talked to many people about insecurity and self-image, I realize that even at over 300 pounds I was still secure in who I was.  I knew I was loved and cherished.  I knew I was a beautiful person, but I was very insecure about my body image and my physical beauty. 

Despite what some people may think, I am an introvert.  I am a friendly introvert, but an introvert nonetheless.  My mind is always going . . . I often find myself consumed in my own thoughts.  My weight only amplified and intensified the introvert in me.  I would sit back and wait for people to approach me.  It is funny how a person who takes up the most space in a room just wants to be invisible.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  It is funny how a person who takes up the most space in a room just wants to be seen for their person and not their body.  If people didn’t approach me, I assumed that it was because they were put off by my weight, while inside I was just dying for people to take the time to look past my body and get to know ME . . . to take the time to get to know the fun, friendly, loving, loyal, sincere girl that I knew myself to be.

One’s assumption would be that you lose 100 pounds and all that insecurity and self–image just disappear, right?  Wrong!  Still today, I struggle at times because I feel like my weight is the first thing people see and they aren’t taking time to get to know ME.  I’m still obese.  I still weigh over 200 pounds.  There are still times that I wait for others to approach me first because I feel like they might not want to take the time to get to know the real me . . . the person, personality and character of me buried underneath it all.  Even if I am ever “thin”, I don’t think this will change . . . even on the flip side, if I became the most beautiful woman, when I walk into a room I want people to take the time to see where my true beauty lies . . . in my heart, in my spirit. 

As a teenager who weighed over 250 pounds, I did things most that one would not normally expect an “obese” kid to do.  I played soccer and softball . . . and I wasn’t bad . . . I wasn’t the best, but I wasn’t bad.  I was a smart and strength based player more than a speed or agility based player.  Running was hard, but I managed.  Then I graduated from high school, and sports fell off my radar.  I remember walking with my mom in one of my many attempts to lose weight.  I could hardly walk a 20-minute mile and would get terrible cramps in my calves.  It was miserable.  I mean I could hardly walk, running was out of the question.  No one, even when you know others can see how fat you are, wants to be the one sucking wind when you are walking 3mph.  I knew I would never run . . . I wasn’t a runner.  Just typing that kind of makes me chuckle to myself.  That was the excuse that I made for myself . . . I wasn’t a runner.  I was right . . . I mean tell me one 300 pound “runner” you have seen.  I just figured it came naturally to all those “skinny” people.  I didn’t realize that they had to suck wind to train their bodies to run just like I did. 

Even after losing weight, even after working out on average 2-4 days a week for the last several years, in my mind I’m still the fat girl who everyone is watching “suck wind”.  Sure, I’m competitive, but I’m not athletic.  Sure, give me bench-presses or leg-presses . . . anything weight related . . . and I can throw down with the best of them.  I mean, after all, at some point those muscles had to lug around over 300 pounds and are still lugging around over 200 pounds, but, if you ask me to run, I still can’t get over this mindset that I am not a runner.  However, today, something clicked.  As I was jogging on the treadmill and working out on the elliptical . . . all the sudden I heard her.  I heard the athlete inside of me just screaming at me to LET HER OUT!!!  She has been trapped inside all my life while I make excuses or dismiss her with my “I can’ts” and my “I’m not a runner” mumbo jumbo.  She is in there, and she CAN and she IS a runner!!!  She wants the opportunity to show me the amazing things of which I am capable, the amazing things I can do that all my life I thought were impossible.   She wants to show me that I can push through the pain, the fatigue, the “wind sucking” because who I am is much stronger than I give her credit for being.  Today, I change my attitude and how I view myself.  No more “I can’ts” and “I’m nots” and “It’s too hards”!  Today, I recognized that I AM AN ATHLETE . . . I CAN . . . I WILL . . . and NOTHING IS TOO HARD!

Exercise as a Form of Worship

So I obviously I’ve been slacking on the blogging.  I just realized it has been three months since my last blog!!!  Well, I am woman enough to admit that just as my blogging has been slacking, so has my lifestyle change.  The first quarter of the year, I met my weight loss goal and lost 13 pounds.  The second quarter of the year, I did not meet my weight loss goal and only lost 1 pound.  So far this quarter, I have been down 3 pounds, up 3 pounds, down 3 pounds, up 3 pounds.  At my lowest, I lost 17 pounds, but I haven’t weighed in 3 weeks . . . kind of afraid to weigh to be honest.  230 feels like SUCH a barrier to me.  I have not weighed less than 230 pounds since Naomi was born, 5 years ago.  I hit 230 several times in the last couple of months, but then I will go back up 3 pounds . . . so frustrating, yet I know this is a head thing.  I have modified my 3^rd quarter goal to merely breaking that 230 pound barrier and staying under it.  I am going to weigh in again Monday morning to find out where I stand. 

As I have mentioned in my previous blogs, my greatest struggle is nutrition.  I know my daily battles with nutrition will be a lifelong war.  Some days I am able to let go of my addiction and surrender it to the Father and some days I feel myself completely fall apart.  Some days the desire and urges are stronger than others, but I am determined that, though I may lose some battles, I will win this war.  On my way to meet with my nutritionist, Ginny, last week, I was slightly discouraged and, in all honesty, kind of dreading meeting with her.  Although I had not gained weight, I had not lost weight either.  I realized, although I have been able to maintain what I have already lost, I did not feel the motivation I did 6 months ago.  I know that the motivation will return, but, if nothing else, I want to make sure that when the motivation does return, I am starting from a better place than I did in January of this year.  Even if I am only able to lose 20 pounds a year, I will still reach my goal in 5 years.  5 years might not be as quickly as I would like, but the pressure to lose weight “quickly” is more a feeling of failure because I feel others around me are “more” successful than me.  I have to continually remind myself that my goal is not simply weight loss, it is a lifestyle, lifelong change.  If it takes me a little longer to meet my weight loss goal, but I am really achieving the lifestyle change that is the root of my goal, then I am not failing!!!  I am still determined to achieve my goal and will continue to struggle and fight to do so.

As much as nutrition is a struggle, exercise has become an encouragement to me.  In fact, my discouragement over the last 3 weeks has been directly related, not so much to my struggle with nutrition, as to my lack of exercise.  It all started with vacation.  I was bound and determined to work out even while on vacation because, as I said, exercise energizes and encourages me.  On day 2 of my week long vacation, my sister, mother, and I kicked tail from an exercise standpoint.  After watching Xtreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition a week or so before, my sister and I were bound and determined that if a 400+ pound man could climb the 100 floors of the Sears Tower, we could do the 25 floors of our hotel in Daytona Beach.  We took single steps for 2 floors then every other step for 2 floors, alternating all the way to the top.  I had to take a 30 second break every 8 floors and will admit that, when I got to the top, I was sucking wind so hard that my throat hurt, but we did it in just over 8 minutes.  I thought that was freakin’ awesome.  We then went and walked/jogged the parking deck 3 times, and, to finish off our workout, I did the stairs up the 8 floors to my condo.  I did a total of 33 flights of stairs that day and, according to my sister’s cell phone app, our entire workout was approximately 4.75 miles in just around 45 minutes.  The problem is that after that day, other than casually walking the beach, I did nada, zip, zilch.  I think I would have been okay with that as long as I got right back on it once we got home, but, once I got to work the next week, I was so far behind that I did not go to the gym . . . not even once.  Then this past week, the craziness of work continued (i.e., end of month and the beginning of P&Ls) and I only made it to the gym twice . . . once for a 30-minute session with my trainer, Louis, and once for 45 minutes of wally ball.  Those workouts were great, but I hadn’t done hardcore cardio in 3 weeks!!!  It is easy to make excuses . . . I was on vacation, I had to catch up at work, my home life changed and I had to adjust . . . but the truth of the matter is that I could have gone for a walk/jog when I got home at night, but I didn’t.  I let myself be slack and now I was discouraged and unenthusiastic.  I was dreading trying to do cardio as it had been so long, and I knew that my body would have some ground to make up after 3 weeks of no cardio.  Ugh!  I made up my mind this past Friday night that on Saturday there were no more excuses and I was going to get up and go for a walk/jog first thing in the morning.

Yesterday morning, I got up at and headed out for my walk/job at 7:30AM.  I started with 15 minutes of stretching, then started my heart rate monitor, and off I went.  That 50 minutes was the most amazing and clarifying time I have had in a long time.  As I was walking, I was prayerful & thoughtful.  My thoughts were clear and concise.  My spirit was soaring.  Every step I took, I felt my spirit rise . . . I felt such a sense of accomplishment.  I began to think about how, just as in the spirit world, exercise is a matter of my mind/soul and spirit over flesh.  I began to think of that 350+ pound girl/woman that I once was.  As crazy an analogy as this may seem, my body and mind were like a spoiled child at that point in my life; they were completely driven and led by my flesh.  My flesh wanted food . . . every type, every kind, and lots of it . . . but my flesh did not want to be pushed to exercise.  My flesh didn’t want to get up and move, to sweat and be uncomfortable, and I allowed my flesh everything it wanted.  I did not love myself enough to discipline myself.  Loving parents discipline and train their children.  They teach their children that there are times that they cannot have everything they want, that there are times that a “no” is necessary for their safety and protection . . . for their wellbeing.  I rarely, if ever, told my flesh, “no” and forced it come into submission to my mind and spirit, and, as I’ve learned, our flesh is not concerned about our wellbeing . . . only its own pleasure and comfort.  As I began to jog, my legs began to burn, my heart rate increased, my breathing became labored, I started to sweat, and my flesh wanted to stop . . . but my mind said, “NO!”  My mind began to remind my spirit that I am capable, that I not only can I do this, but I will do this!  My mind and my spirit commanded my flesh to push through, to keep going, and, as my flesh came into subjection to my mind/spirit, I felt so inspired and motivated . . . it was exhilarating.  I had SO missed working out . . . missed cardio.  Yes, I was feeling adrenaline and endorphins, but I also realized that exercise is a form of worship!  I know, I know . . . you must be thinking, “WHAT?!?!  WORSHIP!”  Yes, worship!

It is so easy for us to think of worship just in the sense of hymns & prayers, but it is so much more than that!!!  We do not only worship the Lord with our mouths; worship is not just words and meditation and prayer.  As I was jogging, I realized that every cell of my body was worshipping my Creator!!!  I was pushing my body, and I everything within me was exhilarated and overjoyed.  My flesh, under subjection to my mind and spirit, was doing exactly what my Creator created my flesh to do.  What better description is there of worship than a creation being and doing exactly what it’s Creator intended for it to be and do!!!  Worship was pouring out of every cell of my body, it was flowing through my veins, and, finally, it began to pour out of my mouth.  I began thanking the Creator for my legs that carried me, the adrenaline & endorphins that were literally lifting my spirit, the wind blowing on my face . . . the list just went on and on.  WOW!  It was one of the most AMAZING moments of my life.  I am inspired.  I love those quite “cuddly” moments with my Savior, but I am so looking forward to my next cardio worship session as well.  It was one of the most honest and authentic forms of worship I think I have ever experienced.  I encourage each of you to try it.  You don’t have to run or jog or jump rope . . . just walk.  Just push yourself to do a little more than you thought you were capable of doing.  If that is just walking around the outside of your house once or twice . . . do it!  Do it for a week and then push yourself to increase it to 3 or 4 times around.  Push your flesh to that point of discomfort where your mind and spirit have to tell your flesh to “SHUT UP”!  Once you are able to break through that point . . . on the other side is something so wonderful words can hardly describe it . . . accomplishment, triumph, exhilaration, joy . . . and worship.  

I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!

Over the last 4 months, as I have started this journey, I have had so many conversations with so many women . . . some battling a food addiction like me, some who aren’t.  Women who can look at their mother, sister, friend, daughter, even me & see beauty, but when they look at themselves they can’t & don’t.  They look at themselves so critically, some not even able to let others compliment them without laughing off the compliment as baseless & unwarranted.  Why do we, as women, struggle so much to recognize our own worth?  Why do we fail to see the beauty of who we are?  Why do we flippantly reject the acclamation & acceptance we receive from others, but allow the wounds from hurtful words & rejection to fester well into our adulthood . . . & sometimes even longer?  Why can’t we acknowledge that we are beautiful . . . just as we are?  Why are we not able to see the beauty of who we are?  More directly, why am I not able to see the beauty of who I am?  Why are you not able to see the beauty of who YOU are?  Let me begin with a story.

It was the beginning of my senior year of college.  I spent 6 to 8 weeks the summer before in Ohio working as counselor for Wittenberg University’s Upward Bound Program.  My grandfather, the last of my grandparents, had passed away that summer as well.  I had been a resident assistant for the previous 2 years & had just moved to the freshman only dorm to work specifically with freshman so that I didn’t have to deal with the attitudes of sophomores, juniors & seniors.  I was seeing Angelo, who is now my husband, at the time.  I am not exactly sure why I am giving all this detail, except that it feels relevant.  Maybe on this particular day, I had all these things in my mind.  So much had changed.  Things just felt so different & confusing.  It felt like my life had been turned upside down . . . little did I know it was just the start of some huge changes in my life.  At the end of that semester, I would find out I was pregnant with my son, Isaac.  It was a lonely & insecure time in my life.   Looking back on that time, it felt very dark & sad.  I remember having a conversation with myself in my head on the way to the dorm shower one day.  I was wishing to myself that I could be beautiful.  I weighed over 300 pounds at the time, so it seems like a very normal thought for a girl or woman to have who is insecure in her physical appearance.  I don’t know how the Lord talks to you, but with me, often times He just interrupts the conversation that I am having with myself.  J  I heard the Lord say, “You ARE beautiful.”  I thought, “But, Lord, I want the WORLD to see me as beautiful, not just You.”  I have to say that what came next was one of the only times that I have ever felt the Lord spoke, not angrily, but sternly to me . . . He “raised His voice” so to speak.  He said, “Michael, the world does not know what beauty is!”

That conversation with the Lord left a huge impression on me . . . obvious from the fact that it still impacts me as a 31-year-old woman.  It is odd; I would never say that I was a girl who hated or even disliked myself, even despite my weight issues. My mother, who has always had a thin to average build, implanted in me a deep sense of self worth.  Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely insecure at times & had a deep desire for love & acceptance from someone other than my family, the people I knew loved me unconditionally.  I wanted to know that someone else saw me for who I was, that someone else saw past my weight to the happy, fun-loving, witty, passionate girl that I was.  I wanted to know that others, outside of my family, saw my heart & accepted me; I wanted even more than acceptance.  I wanted someone to look at me, see me for who I was, & love me so much that THEY chose me.  Ultimately, isn’t that what all of us want.  We just want someone who loves us despite even our greatest flaws.  However, overall, I would say that I was pretty self-confident.  I knew who I was.  I knew that despite my struggle with weight, I had value & worth.  I remember a time when a “friend” told me that my weight would make it hard for me to find a job when I graduated from college.  In all honesty, that baffled me.  I may have been fat, but I knew I was smart!  I worked hard & made good grades.  My teachers liked me.  I knew that I would make a good employee.  How did my weight factor into my value as an employee?  What did my work have to do with my weight?  The two seemed unrelated to me, but weight wasn’t the only thing that I had to struggle through to see the beauty of who I was; there were other things that made me feel less than or unworthy of love.

As a child, I was the “good” girl.  It was the only way that I understood how to obtain love.  It’s funny because, in all honesty, children & especially teens tend to really dislike the “good” girls & boys; I think mostly because the impression of a person who tries to be “good” is that they think they are better than everyone else.  Being good was my way of trying to please the people I loved.  I tried to please my parents, teachers, even the Lord with my “goodness” . . . laughable isn’t it, but that is the understanding of a child.  That was my understanding of love.  I loved the Lord as best I knew how AS A CHILD . . . & at that point in time, the best way I knew how to please Him was by being good!  The problem with being a “good” girl is that at some point you are going to fail at it.  Isaiah 64:6 says, “All of us have become like one who is unclean, & all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; 
we all shrivel up like a leaf, & like the wind our sins sweep us away.” The Bible says that even our righteousness, our “goodness” is as filthy, dirty rags. We cannot ever be good enough.  If being loved is based on how “good” we are . . . well we will NEVER be worthy of love; we will never be beautiful.

I remember feeling unworthy of love . . . when I was no longer a “good girl”.  After a homosexual relationship as a young teenager, after sexual relationships with 2 different men in college, after becoming pregnant by one of those 2 men . . . how could a HOLY God ever love me?!?  I had turned to these various relationships in search of love, in search of acceptance & all I got in return was used . . . all the while I was using those same people who were using me.  Being used is a 2 way street.  After all this, I now felt unlovable.  However, my mother had taught me a very important lesson as a child that would help me through my feelings of self-loathing & shame . . . that lesson was confession.  Confession is a very strange thing.  Think about something you have done . . . the thing that you are most ashamed of doing in life.  Now think about having to share that secret with someone.  Terrifying isn’t it!  Confession is so terrifying because of the risk of rejection once we confess what we really are & what we have done.  However, on the flip side, I have found that despite the terror of confession, confession is the greatest source of FREEDOM!  I have found that not only God, but also people are more forgiving & merciful when we are able to admit that we were wrong, when we have messed up. The other aspect of confession is that once we have confessed that thing that we are most afraid to share, no one can hang that thing over our head any longer.  Our “little” secret no longer has power over us once it is no longer a secret.

Now, you might ask, what do confession & beauty have to do with one another?  I have come to see that the people that I find the most beautiful are open, honest, & genuine people. We find true beauty in one another when we are willing to share our hearts with one another, when we don’t cover up & hide our failings, imperfections, & circumstances, when we share our lives, good & bad, & when we are willing to listen to the lives of others.  The most beautiful people are those who are confident in who they are, not because they are perfect, but because, despite their imperfections, failings, & circumstances, they know who they are.  This confidence does not come across as arrogance . . . in fact it comes off as quite the opposite, humility & beauty.  Let me just name you a few of the most beautiful women that I know . . . the beautiful women that I love:

Laura Bagley, my mom.  How can I NOT include the person who constantly encouraged my sister & I & always expressed that, despite everything we ever put her through, we were beautiful both inside & out?  She is the person that both of us call in a moment’s notice in any situation because we know she will comfort us & love us when we need comfort & love & give it to us straight when we need to be straightened out.    

Hannah Eddy, my little sister.  Just sit down with Hannah for a couple of hours.  She would be more than willing to share with you about her rebellious teen years & her struggles in life, but you would never guess all that to talk to her now.  She is a hard-working, loving, fun mother of 4 precious children.  She knows who is she is and when you are around her you are getting the real Hannah, no fluff. 

Donna Bagley, my aunt.  You will never find a woman more consistent in who she is. She is not one woman to your face and another behind your back.  What you see is what you get.  I have never met someone more faithful to the values & beliefs that they hold.  She is a woman who knows what she believes and lives it.

Melonie Flavin, my dear friend.  Melonie is just one of those people that when we really got to know one another, we clicked.  No fluff, no sugar . . . I can just be who I am with her . . . completely raw & uncensored, just like with the 3 members of my family listed above.  I am able to share things with Melonie that I would not just share with anyone.  She takes the time to see my heart, to see who I really am.  She sees my great days and my irritable, lousy days (cause like it or not, we all have both), & she loves me through them all.  She is an awesome wife, a wonderful mom & an incredible friend. 

Missy Lashley, my precious friend & co-worker.  I proactively received permission from Missy to share some of her story on my blog. Missy was sexually abused by her father who ultimately went to prison for his actions.  At 16, Missy had her oldest son, Austin, and was married.  Around the time Missy was 19, her mother died from colon cancer.  Then in 2004 on Mother’s Day weekend, Missy’s 2^nd son, Taylor, drowned at the age of 2.  You look at just this short summary of parts of Missy’s life and how would you expect to find this woman . . . broken, destroyed, or perhaps, after all Missy has survived, even suicidal?  I often think of Missy and wonder at the friendly, joyful, beautiful person that I see.  She just exudes    joyfulness.  I look at her and she radiates beauty . . . from all that brokenness and suffering . . . beauty.

Lauren Thomas, my former co-worker & family photographer (www.laurenthomasphotography.com) . . . yes that is a plug for her business on my blog.  J  One day I am determined to add friend to this list of things that Lauren is to me; unfortunately, we just haven’t had quite that much time to spend together as of yet.  You don’t really even have to know Lauren to see her beauty.  It radiates out of her eyes and her smile.  She is one of the friendliest, sweetest, kindest people I have ever met.  She is one of those people that once you meet her, you just want to get to know her better because you can see from the outside in and the inside out the beauty that lies inside of her.

Naomi & Shiloh Hubbard, my baby girls.  My daughters leave me in awe each and every day.  They both entered this world welcomed by the hardest of circumstances . . . they were micro-preemies . . . 24 weeks, 5 days weighing 1 lb, 6 oz and 23 weeks, 3 days weighing 1 lb, 4 oz, respectively.  They struggled and fought just to survive, but they did more than just survive; they have flourished.  They have both done exceeding above all that every doctor could foretell or imagine.  They are both happy little girls who will grow into extraordinary women, and they LOVE life.  They are awe-inspiring, and, to be honest I know this sounds crazy coming from an adult regarding a child, but there is a sort of reverence that I hold for each of them. 

Finally, I will be bold enough to name one last beautiful woman that I know . . . Laura Michael Hubbard . . . ME!  I have numerous imperfections & flaws.  I was “good girl” who failed miserably at being good (see above  J).  I was the fat girl looking for love who was determined to find someone who loved me for who I was.  I became the single mother of a wonderful boy.  Despite our rough start, I married a wonderful man who loved me as I was, for who I was.  I was the NICU mom of 2 precious micro-preemie baby girls.   I am the mother of 2 precious babies that I never got to comfort & love here in this world.  I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, friend . . . I am someone special.  I am a woman with a perfection complex who has to remind herself every day that it is okay that she is imperfect because it is her imperfections that leave her desperate for a Savior, desperate for Jesus . . . and, when you look at me through the blood of my Savior, those imperfections just disappear.  I will no longer doubt my beauty or hide who I am . . . I AM BEAUTIFUL!  Now can you learn to see that YOU are beautiful, too?

A Change of Mind

In my last blog . . . almost 4 weeks ago (*insert look of shame here*) . . . I discussed all the things that the Lord has been revealing to me about my addiction to and relationship with food.  The real question is how do these revelations change my way of living?  What does the application of these revelations look like in real life?  How do they translate in the real world?  In all honesty, the resulting changes are mostly a change of mind . . . which really doesn’t “LOOK” like anything at all!  LOL!  In all seriousness, currently, they look like 14 lbs lost . . . FOR GOOD . . . but the greatest change of all has been my change of thinking.

To understand the change in my thinking process regarding food, first, you must understand some of the current circumstances of my life.  See my youngest daughter, Shiloh, who is now 20 months old, was born at 23 weeks, 3 days gestation and weighed 1lb 4 oz at birth.  She spent 203 day, or almost 7 months, in the hospital.  Her story could be a blog in itself, but the part of her story that is applicable to my journey with food is that ultimately, due to complications swallowing, Shiloh came home on a feeding tube, specifically a g-tube, which is a tube surgically inserted through her abdomen that delivers a nutritional blend or formula directly to her stomach.  I remember explaining to my son, Isaac, who was 8 at the time, that Shiloh would come home with a g-tube and what that would mean for her.  His response was, “Mom, that is so sad.  Shiloh won’t be able to TASTE her food!”  I, of course, explained to him, that the feeding tube would not be forever, but that, even if it was, Shiloh could live a full and happy life without ever tasting food.  The question was, did I really believe what I was telling him?

As a food addict, food has always been a significant part of my life . . . I would dare to say of my “happiness.”  When I looked at my precious baby girl, did I honestly believe that her life could be full and happy if she never, NEVER enjoyed food.  How would she celebrate her life milestones?  Even those who aren’t addicted to food understand the sadness of never holding your baby close to nurse her or even give her a bottle, no picture of her covered in her 1^st birthday cake, no special birthday dinners, no Krispy Kreme doughnut after a “date night” with Mommy, no Valentines Day candy, no Thanksgiving turkey & dressing, no first date dinner, no exchanging bites of wedding cake with her husband.  How many of the achievements in life and how much of the happiness in life do we celebrate with food?  Food feels so central to life.  We do not utilize food merely as a source of nutrition in life.  I know this sounds so drastic when I say it, but the feelings of loss I had were the same feelings that the mother of a blind or deaf child might have.  The funny thing is that it was this very feeling of loss that motivated me to begin to change my way of thinking and opened the door for the revelations that God began to show me.  Shiloh’s life WOULD be full . . . full of joy, full of love, full of laughter, full of triumph.  Her life WILL be full to overflowing, only that fullness will not be rooted in the food present at her next life event.  It will be true celebration of her LIFE.  Rather than holding her close to nurse her or give her a bottle, I held her close and sang to her just because I loved her.  Rather than pictures of her covered in her first birthday cake, I have pictures of her ALIVE on her first birthday to compare to her 1lb 4oz new born pictures.  Her lack of ability to eat by mouth (which has become just an overall, genuine dislike for food . . . LOL) has forced me to look deeper, forced me to truly think about WHAT and WHY we are celebrating rather than just what food I am going to prepare and what I might have the opportunity to eat!  It has forced me to realize that life is MORE than food.

How, you might ask, does this overall realization about life change my thinking about food on a day-to-day basis?  Well, first of all it has it gives me a very unique perception of food that many people will never see.  As I count my calories each day in an attempt to gain control over my weight, I also count Shiloh’s calories each day in an attempt gain control over her weight.  As much as I want to cry if I gain a pound one week . . . I could cry just the same when it feels like we give her all of her calories, finally get her on a blend that she isn’t throwing up, and yet she still doesn’t gain any weight or worse yet . . . loses weight!!!  However, even as we struggle trying to help Shiloh grow, the thing that strikes me most about her is just how HAPPY she is.  As a mom who had to make the decision to let my daughter fight for her life knowing full well the potential risks and complications of birth and life at 23 weeks gestation, the most heartwarming and precious moments to me are seeing her beautiful smile and hearing her very quiet chuckle.  She is a happy, beautiful baby who loves LIFE . . . just not food!!!   LOL!  So now when I am faced with the urge to eat a quarter pounder with fries and a coke . . . an urge so strong I want to cry because it feels impossible to walk away . . . I ask myself, “How does this food effect my life?  Will it ruin my day if I don’t eat the burger and fries?  Will I even care 2 hours from now if I choose to skip it?”  See the truth of the matter is that if I can manage to make myself walk way in the middle of that overpowering urge, walking away from it does NOT ruin m life, or even my day!  At dinner time, the decision to walk away from that craving that was so strong at lunch has NO lasting effect on me!!!  It doesn’t make the rest of my day miserable if I choose to leave the burger and fries and have a grilled chicken salad instead.  On the flip side, it doesn’t make the rest of my day wonderful & happy if I choose to have the burger and fries . . . in fact, it generally leaves me feeling guilty.  Now does that mean I can never have the burger and fries . . . NO . . . which leads me to my next “change of mind.”

Why is it that sometimes our urges seem so all consuming . . . like I might die if I don’t have whatever it is that I am wanting?  Some people have such urges when they are out shopping.  The urge is so strong for the latest & greatest thing . . . be it fashion, electronics, cars.  Some people have that type of all consuming urge when it comes to sexual things.  I have that type of urge when it comes to food.  We place too high a value on our desires rather than surrendering them.  Because I now recognize this in my own life, I have tried to make a point, when an urge feels uncontrollably strong, to make myself walk away from it.  If I HAVE to have it, I don’t allow myself to have it.  I walk away instead.  Again, this doesn’t mean I never have a burger and fries.  It means, that when I have an urge for burger and fries, I don’t just let myself have it in that moment of desperation.  Instead, I walk away and plan for a burger and fries in the next couple of days when I am in control.  I make wise choices, such as would I prefer a bun or the fries with my burger?  Do I really have to have both?  Now instead of the food controlling me, I have control over the food and when I eat it.  The desire for food no longer keeps me shackled and bound.  Instead, I am free to have foods that I love in moderation, when I plan for them.  FREEEEEEEEEDOM!   Food does not change the depth & meaning of my life and now I choose the foods I eat rather than the food harassing me . . . that is freedom . . . and a true change of mind.  J

Breakthrough

Have you ever had the Lord begin to reveal something to you slowly & patiently, but then, as you begin to recognize & take hold of what He is showing you, the revelations begin to flow so fast if feels like your spirit is overflowing & your mind just can’t keep up?  In my last blog I discussed how the Lord was dealing with me regarding my food issues . . . layer-by-layer, piece-by piece.  In this blog I want to share some of what the Lord has been showing me.  I’m going to be honest . . . brutally honest, but, if your heart & spirit are ready & prepared, truth brings, not condemnation or criticism, but FREEDOM & JOY!!!  So here we go . . .

Over the last 2 years, I began to see plainly that my weight issues were not so much the result of a lack of exercise, as the lack of my ability to manage my nutrition.  I could work out 60 minutes a day, 5 days a week & still not lose weight because I couldn’t manage to work up enough willpower & self-control to keep myself from eating . . . well, from eating whatever I wanted! While Shiloh, my 23-week preemie was in the hospital, I told Louis, my trainer, that I was not looking to lose weight; I just needed to be able to maintain my current weight until she came home. Shiloh came home, & I focused in on exercise again, working hard, but still not getting the results I wanted.  In the mean time, on a spiritual level, I was struggling.  I felt apathetic & indifferent towards the Lord.  How does that happen?  During the midst of Shiloh’s journey through the NICU, I had been so dependent on Him . . . of course, we generally are dependent on Him in the midst of trials, IF we choose not to be bitter towards Him.  Once Shiloh was home, I began to feel disconnected & detached from the Lord.  My parents have always emphasized to me & my sister & brother that our relationship with the Lord is not based on an emotion or our feelings, but rather on a decision.  I never swayed in the decision I made to believe in & serve Jesus Christ, but I was frustrated & often cried out to the Lord asking Him why He wouldn’t speak to me, why He was being silent.  I made numerous trips to the alter in hopes that He would speak to me through someone else, such as my pastor.  To be honest, at times, what I felt was the Lord’s silence towards me felt laughable.  The only thing I did hear Him speak to me was that He wanted to deal with me directly, not through a mediator, but I still felt nothing . . . except growingly irritable & aggravated with the Lord!!!

In December, Hannah & I made the decision that we would begin texting each other everything we ate the day after Christmas.  I made the additional decision that, in January, I would begin meeting with my nutritionist again.  I knew there would be times I did well & times I failed miserably, but I was resolved that I would not allow what I labeled as my “fails” to keep me from getting back up & digging deeper to really figure this all out.  As I discussed my “fails” with Ginny, the Lord began to work.  As I was sitting at my desk one day at work, I realized that my feelings toward food mirrored my feelings toward sin, specifically the sexual sin I struggled with so in college.  As a teenager, I made a decision that I was not going to have sex before I was married, but when the temptation arose, my willpower & self-control were never strong enough.  I would succumb to the lust & desire, but immediately after would come the waves of guilt & condemnation.  I hated myself.  I would swear to myself that I was not going to give in again, but, when the next temptation would arise, I would cave again to my desire; then would come the overwhelming guilt.  It was a vicious cycle that, strangely enough, I did not manage to break until I ended up pregnant with my son, Isaac.  What was the link?  Why did I have this image of food?  Sex & food are both necessary for LIFE to occur & be sustained . . . within certain boundaries.  My initial reaction was that I needed to stop thinking of food as the enemy, as something evil, but how?  How was I to go about changing my perception of food?  First the Lord had to take me deeper.

At a gathering with some fellow church-members, the Lord began the process of digging deeper, of peeling away the next layer.  Hannah & I ended up in a conversation with a young lady from our church about sneaking food & hiding our eating.  I have a friend whom I am with all the time who would tell you that, from her perception, I eat in moderation, but perceptions can be deceiving.  I hide my worst eating habits.  I eat in secret.  As a child, I remember sneaking around in the kitchen, hiding food in my pockets so that I could take it some place private, such as the bathroom or my bedroom, so that I could eat it.  Other things I would just shovel in as I stood in the refrigerator or pantry just praying no one would catch me.  It’s funny, there are many foods that I snuck in my childhood, but the food that stands out the most is pimento cheese.  I LOVED pimento cheese, & the containers always seemed so small.  See when you sneak food, one of the goals is to always try to leave enough so that no one can tell you snuck it.  I wasn’t always very good at that part . . . but that stupid small container in which the pimento cheese comes made it EXTREMELY difficult.  Like I said, don’t get me wrong, I was not very discriminating.  Crackers, chips, cheese, fruit, ice cream . . . you name it, I ate it . . . & snuck it, but the pimento cheese stands out to me for some reason.  You might think as an adult that one would outgrow the need to sneak food, but I didn’t.  I sneak candy . . . I sneak seconds . . . I sneak “tastes”.  I don’t want others to know what all I am actually eating . . . it just feel mortifying.  It is amazing how the Lord will start to show you something & then it just blows up . . . & suddenly you have a breakthrough!!!  Let me explain.

Right before that gathering, I had started emailing Ginny, my nutritionist, my food journal each day.  I did HORRIBLE on Super Bowl Sunday, eating twice as many calories as what I have allowed myself.  As I sat in front of my online food journal, I was tempted to just skip entering it all & tell Ginny & Hannah that I blew it & had a bad day, but the conversation I had with Hannah & the girl from church kept coming back to my mind.  I realized that I could not HIDE what I had eaten.  I had to write it ALL down.  I had to actually SEE ON PAPER what I had eaten.  Not only did I have to see it, I had to send it to the people that were holding me accountable.  No more sneaking & hiding.  If I want to beat this monster, I had to take it head on, humiliating moments & all.  I sent every last bite I had eaten.  As I sent my journal & contemplated all of this, I knew there was something to this . . . it was not a coincidence.  Why do I have such an urge to hide when & what I eat?  Why all the sneaking?  I decided to look up the term “in secret” in my Bible’s concordance.  The first thing that popped out at me was Proverbs 9:13 -18:

Folly is an unruly woman; she is simple & knows nothing.  She sits at the door of her house, on a seat at the highest point of the city, calling out to those who pass by, who go straight on their way,  “Let all who are simple come to my house!” 
To those who have no sense she says,  “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!”  But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.

It was like a lightening bolt went off in my spirit.  My relationship with food was SIN!!!  Now please understand, the food itself was never the issue; my RELATIONSHIP with food was the issuesI didn’t quite understand it all at that moment, but I knew that my relationship with food hindered my relationship with the Lord.  To me, that is the definition of sin . . . something coming between me & my Savior . . . something hindering my relationship & fellowship with Him!  I called my mom immediately.  I had to CONFESS it as sin to someone!  Confession takes away the power of whatever is holding you captive.  I had to recognize my relationship with food publicly for what it was. . . SIN!

Over the next couple of weeks, the Lord began to show me that my relationship with food was a part of my heart that I had never surrendered to Him.  I never even realized that it was something I was withholding from Him!  That was the most freeing realization.  You know, often when we say we have to surrender our hearts, our lives, everything to Jesus, we think in terms of things that we don’t want to give up . . . our money, our plans, our desires.  He wants even our trash, our rags, our filth . . . He wants it ALL!!! Once I realized that I was keeping this from Him, I couldn’t surrender it fast enough.  I sat there crying, “Jesus, please, take it!  I don’t want it!  I only want You!  I don’t want something so trivial to keep me from experiencing the fullness of who You are!”  BREAKTHROUGH . . . like fireworks going off in my spirit!!!  Since that realization & surrender, my relationship with the Lord has been unlike anything I have ever experienced.  31 years of my life, people . . . 31 years this stupid addiction, this stupid lust of food has held me in bondage & kept me from experiencing my Savior in such fullness & richness!  When such a realization comes from such a loving God, there is no condemnation, no guilt, just utter joy & freedom!!! 

Since this breakthrough, I have been talking with several dear friends, one of whom is my exercise accountability partner, Melonie.  She heard about a book by Lysa TerKeurst titled Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food, & we decided to begin reading & discussing it together.  Just the title gives me chills . . . then I read the introduction!  WOW!!!  Lysa discusses the story in Matthew 19:16 – 22 of the young, wealthy man who approaches Jesus to ask what good thing he must do to gain eternal life.  Jesus tells the young man to sell his possessions, give them to the poor, & follow Him.  The young, wealthy man walked away sad because he had great wealth.  How many times I have failed to understand the depth of these scriptures.  It is easy for us to look & apply them simply to wealth.  It is easy to give up wealth, uh, when you have none.  LOL!  However, the point Jesus was making is that we must be willing to give up EVERYTHING to follow Him.  So let me ask this question . . . & it is a painful one.  What is that thing that you want so badly that when you think about walking away from it your chest aches from longing?  I know it sounds crazy to say that it was food for me, but it is the truth.  There have been times & still are times that I could physically cry I want that Krispy Kreme so bad!!!  Am I willing to put down the Krispy Kreme to follow Him?  It sounds so stupid to put it that way, but that is the truth.  Does that mean I can never have a Krispy Kreme?  No.  I can have the Krispy Kreme, but I have to be able to NOT have the Krispy Kreme, as well!!!  It cannot be so powerful over my life that I cannot say no to it . . . that I can’t surrender it.  What is that thing for you?  It could be wealth.  It may or may not be food.  It could be a boyfriend or a friendship.  What is the one thing that feels unbearable to give up if Jesus asked for you to walk away from it & follow Him?  THAT is the very thing He wants.  THAT is the thing that will keep you from walking in a full & complete relationship with Him, if you aren’t willing to let it go. 

My other “WOW” moment in reading Lysa’s introduction was when she discusses the story of Eve from Genesis 3.  The downfall of mankind, the “original” sin, began with a woman tempted by food.  Food was the first thing that woman allowed to enter & hinder her relationship with the Lord.  She could have had any other food in the Garden of Eden, but Eve allowed the “forbidden fruit” to separate her from her God.  How many times have we all thought that we NEVER would have been so stupid as Eve to have been tempted by a piece of fruit . . . by food?  I’m here to tell you, I would have fallen just like Eve.  I am guilty of exactly the same sin.  I allowed food to hinder my relationship with God.  How many women are in exactly this same predicament?  How many women allow a relationship with food, be it overeating, be it anorexia, be it bulimia . . . how many of us allow it to separate us from our Creator?   I’m sure there are men as well, but I believe this a revelation especially for women.  Satan used food in his ploy to tempt woman away from her God & Creator . . . & I believe He is still doing it today.  Our greatest weapon in this battle is the realization & truth of Satan’s schemes.  I, for one, will no longer hide what food has been to me.  It has been my comfort, when I should have turned to my Comforter.  It has been my joy, when Christ should have been my joy.  I have given it too much power in my life.  I have allowed it to rob me of width & depth in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  NO MORE!  I have surrendered my lust for food to my Savior.  I assure you that I am not strong enough to change on my own, but, when I recognize my weakness, in my weakness, He is made strong.  With the help of Christ, I WILL overcome this life-long battle, even in only an inch at a time.  J

Making a Change . . . on the INSIDE

Have you ever felt like there is just so much going on in your soul & spirit that you weren’t quite sure how to put it all on “paper”?  That is where I am . . . I’m sitting here, not quite sure where to start.  It is always amazing to me, when I feel the Lord working, HOW He works.  The Lord is layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece revealing things to me, things He has known all along.  He is so patient . . . He doesn’t begin to work until He knows we are ready, and, even once He has begun working, He works differently in each situation.  At times, He will pierce straight to the heart of a matter, but, at other times, such as this, He takes His time because He knows the sensitivity of the matter to our hearts.  Anyone who has been a Christian for any period of time has heard the comment, “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.”  I have always applied that comment to negative circumstances . . . you know, in the sense that the Lord will never give you a bigger negative circumstance than you can handle.  All the sudden, I have a new perception of that comment.  When the Lord is revealing things to us, he knows just how much truth, just how much prodding, just how much revelation our hearts can handle in each moment, each day.  I think what is most puzzling to me is that I don’t know what changed in me so that suddenly I am able to deal with the things the Lord is revealing, where I wasn’t ready in the past.  Was I just not willing to look at myself honestly?  Was I too proud to admit my weaknesses, my faults?  Up until now, I have always tried to cure the SYMPTOM of my “sickness” . . . the weight . . . but I have never been able to look candidly at the root of the problem, to confront the ACTUAL “sickness”.  How do you live your whole life not REALLY knowing yourself?  We don’t even know ourselves until the Lord reveals to us who we are!!!

This journey of revelation with the Lord the last 2 weeks has been filled with emotion.  It started with a phone call from my sister.  When I answered the call, the first thing she said was, “I’m about to lose it!  I can’t do this anymore!”  Panic was the first thing that struck me.  I didn’t know WHAT she couldn’t do anymore.  I told her I needed more details.  What COULDN’T she do anymore?  She started crying and told me she was talking about this “diet.”  She had managed to keep it all together at work and, when she got home, had eaten a sensible dinner, but then her husband came home with fast food for the rest of the family.  She said, “Michael, I am not even hungry.  In fact, I am full, but I still want to eat everything I see!”  I don’t know about you, but I COMPLETELY identify with that feeling.  Do people without eating issues understand that feeling of wanting to eat something SO BAD you could, and occasionally do cry?  I remember one night after I’d had my gastric bypass, Angelo brought home fried chicken for the family for dinner.  Because of the bypass, I physically couldn’t eat more than the tiniest bites of food chewed to oblivion, but the desire was to shove my mouth full of chicken.  You know what I did?  I stood over the garbage can with a fried chicken leg, put every last bit of the meat from that chicken leg into my mouth, chewed it up, and then spit it all out into the garbage can, and I cried the entire time.  Why did I feel this way?  Although the physical ability to eat a large volume of food was gone, I have never dealt with the emotional & mental “sickness”.  That is what the Lord is now showing me . . . the emotional, mental & even spiritual things that need healing for me to progress.  However, taking an honest look at who I am and at this thing with which I have struggled the most in my life has stirred up a whole lot of things inside of me.  I don’t know that I have ever realized the width and depth of all of this inside of me.  This time the struggle feels different.  I feel the change inside this time.  Not much of a change has actually made it to my body yet, but I feel the change emotionally, mentally & especially spiritually.  Eventually, the physical change will have to follow suit, but, for the moment, the physical change feels the least important; I have to heal mentally, emotionally & spiritually first. 

Now, I say the physical change feels the least important, and I mean that, but don’t get me wrong.  As I work on what is going on inside, I do expect and want to see the effect on the outside, but I want the expectation to be reasonable.  I’m not looking to lose 5 pound a week, or even 3 pounds a week, just 1 . . .  just 1 little pound a week.  Between 12/26/10, when I started this journey, and 1/25/11 when I had my first fitness assessment, I had lost 6 pounds, but, when I weighed in last Friday, 2/4/11, I had gained a pound.  I went to grab some breakfast and headed back to my desk, but I could feel the emotion churning inside.  When I got back to my desk, I knew I had to let it out.  Holding it in was only going to make my day miserable . . . and cause me to try to cover it up and bury it with food.  I called my mom and LOST IT . . . uncontrollable sobbing.  1 pound!  From an exercise standpoint, I had kicked tail ALL week long!  From a nutrition standpoint, I had done well too!  I had honestly put ALL my effort into that week!  I could have dealt with only LOSING 1 pound. I could have even dealt with no change on the scale, but GAINING a pound . . . emotional meltdown!  After I hung up with my mom, I asked one of my fitness accountability partners if she had a second to come see me.  I needed to cry with (well, more like cry TO) someone who would understand, give me a hug while I got it all out, and then help me get right back up.  Once I let it all out, the frustration and the disappointment, I was able to get emotionally, mentally and spiritually back on track.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there will be weeks the scale may show a loss of greater than that 1 pound and weeks the scale does not show any loss at all or even shows a gain, but understanding that does not make it and easier when it happens; in fact, it may even cause an emotional breakdown!!! J  The important thing is to let myself be disappointed, to let myself be frustrated and upset about it, to express my frustration and disappointment to someone who understands, and then to get back up, dust myself off and go at it again.  This change I am making is not just a temporary thing.  With the help of the Lord, I am making a LIFE change, people . . . and even when I fail, even when I fail miserably, I REFUSE to NOT change!

Making Plans to Change

So I said my goal was to post once a week . . . well, I’m running a little bit late this week.  What can I say . . . I’m a busy, working wife & mommy!  So here it is . . . and better late than never, I guess.  It has been a pretty good week; although, I will admit that things get hard when the husband starts baking his beautiful and delicious cakes!!!  Overall, I had more good days than bad ones . . . that is a start!  J Last week, I posted that my goal was to lose 92 lbs in 2 years. . . . in truth, I had already lost 5 lbs between Christmas and my first post, so the actual goal was to lose 97 lbs in 2 years.  My goal for 2011 is to lose 52 lbs.  That is just 1 lb a week.  One thing I know is that I have to set a reasonable and achievable goal for myself, otherwise, when I feel like I am starting to “fail”, I will quit!  I also purchased a skydiving session for myself that has to be used by January 2012.  In order to meet the weight requirement for women (yes, there is a different weight requirement for men, which I REALLY don’t understand), I have to lose down to under 220 lbs.  That is my first goal for 2011, to get under 220 lbs so I can go skydiving!!!   SO EXCITED, but where do I start?  I guess a good place to start is to tell you HOW I intend to accomplish my goals, from both an exercise & nutrition standpoint. 

Over the last couple of years, exercise has become something I love.  Don’t get me wrong, I still dread it when I am getting ready and don’t necessarily love DOING it, but I love the way I feel when I am done!  That sense of accomplishment.  I feel like my senses are more acute after I work out.  Things smell better, like I can breathe more easily and clearly.  I like getting really good & sweaty and I love that residual sore the following day or two . . . it means I did something . . . I pushed myself!!!  I am blessed to work for a company that provides trainers that work with us.  Trust me, I need it . . . it is one of the benefits of my job that means the most to me!  I tend to be a people pleaser . . . if I know someone is expecting me to be in the gym each day, I want nothing more than to meet that expectation.  Louis, my trainer, doesn’t just tell us what and how to do things; he pushes us to our limit, not over it, mind you, but to it.  I greatly appreciate that fact.  I think before I started working with a trainer, I would work out in my “comfort” zone . . . I think that is what a lot of overweight and obese people do.  They don’t want to be uncomfortable.  They don’t understand that even thin people are uncomfortable when they work out.  I know I didn’t!  I have learned that working out requires me to be uncomfortable . . . that discomfort is what will get me to the next level.  My current goal is to work out for a minimum of 30 minutes/day for 4 days/week.  2 days a week are for circuit/strength training with Louis and 2 – 3 days a week are for cardio.

On the nutrition side of things, I am also blessed to be able to work with a nutritionist in the Wellness Center at work, Ginny.  In all honesty, nutrition is the greater struggle for me.  I am a perfectionist, and I have failed so often in the past from a nutrition standpoint because when I lack the willpower to be perfect, I give up all together.  Ginny has really helped me to understand that my battle with nutrition is not about perfection.  If I want to be able to do this for the long haul, it can’t be about perfection.  I do not want this to be about a quick fix diet where I lose a lot of weight quickly only to gain it back as soon as I come off of the rigid eating plan that I follow for a short period of time.  I want this to be a life change.  I want to learn how to eat healthily and realize that this is not for the short term.  I want to be able to enjoy the foods I love, but in moderation, and have the ability to say no to them at times.  I know this is so cliché, but want to learn to “eat to live” and not “live to eat”.  The day after Christmas, my sister, Hannah, and I began texting each other everything we eat and the calorie content.  I have tried calorie counting before, but it usually last 2 – 3 weeks and then I quit.  This time feels different.  To tell someone who I know loves me what I am eating has been very freeing.  I don’t know that there is anyone else with whom this would have worked . . . it had to be her.  She loves me and has grace on the days I screw up, but also can tell me when I’m starting to get off track and need to buckle down again.  I would say she tells me in love, but I’m not quite sure saying, “Do I need to come give you a swift kick in the butt!” qualifies as telling me “in love”!  LOL!  The point is that we are able to encourage one another, but also be frank with one another, when necessary.  She is the perfect accountability partner for me! 

The final thing that I am doing is this blog.  I need a place to put down everything that I am thinking and feeling.  I need to see on paper my strengths and weaknesses in regards to food.  I need to be TOTALLY honest with myself.  I have to write down that when I eat a candy bar, even if I planned for it and had the calories for it, to me, eating that candy bar, feels like a “fail.”  I have to write it down so that I can see that sometimes what I perceive and feel is not accurate.  I need to see that it is OKAY for me to have that candy bar on occasion.  Because of my lifelong battle with food, my perception of food is that food is my enemy.  Food is NOT the enemy.  Food is necessary.  Food is also beneficial . . . when we know and learn how to utilize it correctly, but my life can no longer REVOLVE around food.  There are too many OTHER things that are more important in my life for my life to be consumed with food.  I want to focus on those other things and, in order to do that, I have to re-learn a healthy relationship with food; that is the key to my success.