To understand the change in my thinking process regarding food, first, you must understand some of the current circumstances of my life. See my youngest daughter, Shiloh, who is now 20 months old, was born at 23 weeks, 3 days gestation and weighed 1lb 4 oz at birth. She spent 203 day, or almost 7 months, in the hospital. Her story could be a blog in itself, but the part of her story that is applicable to my journey with food is that ultimately, due to complications swallowing, Shiloh came home on a feeding tube, specifically a g-tube, which is a tube surgically inserted through her abdomen that delivers a nutritional blend or formula directly to her stomach. I remember explaining to my son, Isaac, who was 8 at the time, that Shiloh would come home with a g-tube and what that would mean for her. His response was, “Mom, that is so sad. Shiloh won’t be able to TASTE her food!” I, of course, explained to him, that the feeding tube would not be forever, but that, even if it was, Shiloh could live a full and happy life without ever tasting food. The question was, did I really believe what I was telling him?
As a food addict, food has always been a significant part of my life . . . I would dare to say of my “happiness.” When I looked at my precious baby girl, did I honestly believe that her life could be full and happy if she never, NEVER enjoyed food. How would she celebrate her life milestones? Even those who aren’t addicted to food understand the sadness of never holding your baby close to nurse her or even give her a bottle, no picture of her covered in her 1st birthday cake, no special birthday dinners, no Krispy Kreme doughnut after a “date night” with Mommy, no Valentines Day candy, no Thanksgiving turkey & dressing, no first date dinner, no exchanging bites of wedding cake with her husband. How many of the achievements in life and how much of the happiness in life do we celebrate with food? Food feels so central to life. We do not utilize food merely as a source of nutrition in life. I know this sounds so drastic when I say it, but the feelings of loss I had were the same feelings that the mother of a blind or deaf child might have. The funny thing is that it was this very feeling of loss that motivated me to begin to change my way of thinking and opened the door for the revelations that God began to show me. Shiloh’s life WOULD be full . . . full of joy, full of love, full of laughter, full of triumph. Her life WILL be full to overflowing, only that fullness will not be rooted in the food present at her next life event. It will be true celebration of her LIFE. Rather than holding her close to nurse her or give her a bottle, I held her close and sang to her just because I loved her. Rather than pictures of her covered in her first birthday cake, I have pictures of her ALIVE on her first birthday to compare to her 1lb 4oz new born pictures. Her lack of ability to eat by mouth (which has become just an overall, genuine dislike for food . . . LOL) has forced me to look deeper, forced me to truly think about WHAT and WHY we are celebrating rather than just what food I am going to prepare and what I might have the opportunity to eat! It has forced me to realize that life is MORE than food.
How, you might ask, does this overall realization about life change my thinking about food on a day-to-day basis? Well, first of all it has it gives me a very unique perception of food that many people will never see. As I count my calories each day in an attempt to gain control over my weight, I also count Shiloh’s calories each day in an attempt gain control over her weight. As much as I want to cry if I gain a pound one week . . . I could cry just the same when it feels like we give her all of her calories, finally get her on a blend that she isn’t throwing up, and yet she still doesn’t gain any weight or worse yet . . . loses weight!!! However, even as we struggle trying to help Shiloh grow, the thing that strikes me most about her is just how HAPPY she is. As a mom who had to make the decision to let my daughter fight for her life knowing full well the potential risks and complications of birth and life at 23 weeks gestation, the most heartwarming and precious moments to me are seeing her beautiful smile and hearing her very quiet chuckle. She is a happy, beautiful baby who loves LIFE . . . just not food!!! LOL! So now when I am faced with the urge to eat a quarter pounder with fries and a coke . . . an urge so strong I want to cry because it feels impossible to walk away . . . I ask myself, “How does this food effect my life? Will it ruin my day if I don’t eat the burger and fries? Will I even care 2 hours from now if I choose to skip it?” See the truth of the matter is that if I can manage to make myself walk way in the middle of that overpowering urge, walking away from it does NOT ruin m life, or even my day! At dinner time, the decision to walk away from that craving that was so strong at lunch has NO lasting effect on me!!! It doesn’t make the rest of my day miserable if I choose to leave the burger and fries and have a grilled chicken salad instead. On the flip side, it doesn’t make the rest of my day wonderful & happy if I choose to have the burger and fries . . . in fact, it generally leaves me feeling guilty. Now does that mean I can never have the burger and fries . . . NO . . . which leads me to my next “change of mind.”
Why is it that sometimes our urges seem so all consuming . . . like I might die if I don’t have whatever it is that I am wanting? Some people have such urges when they are out shopping. The urge is so strong for the latest & greatest thing . . . be it fashion, electronics, cars. Some people have that type of all consuming urge when it comes to sexual things. I have that type of urge when it comes to food. We place too high a value on our desires rather than surrendering them. Because I now recognize this in my own life, I have tried to make a point, when an urge feels uncontrollably strong, to make myself walk away from it. If I HAVE to have it, I don’t allow myself to have it. I walk away instead. Again, this doesn’t mean I never have a burger and fries. It means, that when I have an urge for burger and fries, I don’t just let myself have it in that moment of desperation. Instead, I walk away and plan for a burger and fries in the next couple of days when I am in control. I make wise choices, such as would I prefer a bun or the fries with my burger? Do I really have to have both? Now instead of the food controlling me, I have control over the food and when I eat it. The desire for food no longer keeps me shackled and bound. Instead, I am free to have foods that I love in moderation, when I plan for them. FREEEEEEEEEDOM! Food does not change the depth & meaning of my life and now I choose the foods I eat rather than the food harassing me . . . that is freedom . . . and a true change of mind. J
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